it’s never too late.
This morning on my drive to campus I was listening to Halsey’s new live Badland’s album. In the clip “Forget Her and Find Her” she said something that hit me.
“I want to remind you: if you lose yourself - it’s never to late to find yourself again. And when you stumble upon that person you used to be, they will be so happy to see you.”
The truth is it’s incredible easy and quick to lose yourself. I lost myself before and it’ll probably happen again. That’s life.
Sometimes you have to lose pieces of yourself to find who you really are. And when you put yourself back together - you’ll be more whole than before.
In the past few years who I am has been defined by what was attached to my name. I defined myself by the job I had, who I dated, and by what other people thought of me. In March this was all taken away. All the external bullshit I used to define me was gone.
In that time I found the clarity that who I am is not defined by any of those things, but that those things are defined by me. What other people think about me represents them. What my job is or who I’m dating is not who I am. It’s funny how society puts so much pressure on these things as who you’re - when these things are so often the cause of people’s misery.
As my third semester of graduate school started, it had me thinking about the girl who started her freshmen year eight years ago.
2012 Freshmen Year at CCU —> 2020 Graduate Student at USC
The girl on the left was very sad and felt like her trauma was always going to define her. I was trying to be what I thought the world wanted me to be. I was obsessively working out and almost dropped out of college from severe PTSD triggers and panic attacks. I constantly felt like something was missing and that there was a hole inside me. That my mind, my trauma was a dark box my mind couldn’t escape. I wish I could go hug her, tell her everything will be okay and she will heal.
Who I am now?
I’m whole.
I’m healing.
I’m growing.
I’m not afraid to be who I am and live my life authentically.
Most importantly: I’m surrounded by people who remind me of all that I am when I feel it is lost. I feel full and excited about the potential of the next eight years of my life. I’m now defined by the love I give people around me, by the feeling I get inside me when I am following my authentic path, and by just being me today.
I had a mentor a few years ago tell me:
All I hope you’ll be is Samantha.
Just Samantha.
That’s fantastic enough.
If you made it this far, I want to tell you, all you have to be is yourself. Just yourself. That’s fantastic enough. The world will love and honor you for being who you’re and you will find your people. Most importantly - never forget how far you’ve come.
You’ve made it to today.
and that’s beautiful.
♡